a French mirage

There is nothing like having a french lemon bar with espresso on a lake…at my unconditionally favorite “Marche Bacchus” restaurant.

…none of these are genuine, however the illusion couldn’t have been closer to reality{artificial lake, not real lemons, hopefully an authentic illy coffee} . Only in Vegas.

a few good reads

Being that it is 42 degrees C (107 F) outside, I am spending the following weeks indoors. There are surprisingly few things that Sami enjoys to do inside, so we are focusing on them…things like building towers of colorful cubes, animal puzzles, books, toilet paper art, jumping on beds and all cushiony surfaces, and the all time favorite-pushing a skateboard around the living room. We try NOT to focus on playing with silverware, namely knifes, remote controls (although we have just one left), mommy’s jewelry and the remains of cell phones (you guessed it, Sami has successfully dismembered both our gadgets, and yes, this is why we are forced to get iphones).

There is, however, and alternative universe that reemerges in here every night around 7 pm. Please, don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing like Sami’s slobber on my shoulder. I will not give that up for the world. The last 20 months have been the most precious and incredible moments that I could ever imagine. But, oh boy, when I give him a bath, read him a story, and kiss him goodnight, I can slowly regain my breath, carefully pour myself a glass of wine and delve into my space. This is the time when I read.

Sleep, baby, sleep.

before i die

This is my “groceries list”. It is stationed on my fridge. I do notice it all the time and that’s the point. Some of the things on there are so definite I can almost touch them. Others are quite abstract. But they are there…in me.

Here’s part of it:

  • have my own orchid garden
  • go through personal psychoanalysis
  • stay in bed with Stoyan for 48 hours..
  • go to Bhutan
  • experiment with red hair
  • learn Italian
  • be simple
  • scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef
  • forgive my parents
  • spend time in an old French Castle drinking red wine
  • have my own private practice
  • stay under the rain
  • see Rammstein
  • be there for my son. always.
  • study Jung
  • be more patient
  • learn how to play the piano
  • spend a year in Tibet
  • take a photography class
  • built our “cappuccino” house..
  • live in NYC
  • sleep on the beach
  • get better at yoga, way better
  • get a PhD
  • let go
  • wear an 18 century gown
  • appreciate
  • get a black cat
  • swim with dolphins
  • make it happen.

long live anxiety

This reading could not have come in a better time for me. May be it’s a coincidence, may be I asked for it. It’s just one of those things that happen to you unexpectedly but you know you are the one who has attracted them…

“Now creating, actualizing one’s possibilities, always involves destructive as well as constructive aspects. It always involves destroying the status quo, destroying old patterns within oneself, progressively destroying what one has clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living. If you don not do this, you are refusing to avail yourself of possibilities; you are shirking your responsibility to yourself. Every experience of creativity has its potential of aggression or denial toward other persons in one’s environment or towards established patterns. In every experience of creativity something in the past is killed so that something new in the present may be born. Hence, for Kirkegaard, guilt is always a concomitant of anxiety: both are aspects of experiencing and actualizing possibility. The more creative a person, he held, the more anxiety and guilt are potentially present. “The greater the genius, the more profoundly he discovers guilt”.

Rollo May, “The Meaning of Anxiety”

every beginning is an end to something else…

My first post. A hopeful embark. This blog represents a new beginning within me. Leaving the comfortable, complacent and well known life in America. Leaving Las Vegas is a big thing for me, an enormous event that involves an ocean of ambivalence. Nothing like leaving Bulgaria 7 years ago. This is a test, a rebirth, a chance. Deciding to follow my dreams comes at many costs. However the payoff is so simple and clear. It is a dream come true. Next chapter – Manchester, UK. Cannot wait to get soaked in the infamous English downpour and absorbed into my everlasting passion -the study of the human psyche…

Cheers to that!