the romantic lack of a table

Another benefit of getting rid of stuff, including furniture has been trying to figure out new ways of living around an empty house. It has been inspiring, and quite romantic. Eating on the floor, or having a picnic in the middle of the living room is a total must for everybody appreciating a different take on things in life.

p.s. bottles of red wine are such a versatile item, besides being  the life “veritas”, a great companion and an  irreplaceable friend they are perfect candle holders, vases, they also make great legs for your food tray hence – the best table, if you need one that much!

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healing

Healing the mind through the body…

These past days Stoyan has been trying to comfort me through my very favorite things and activities. This thought alone makes me feel quite warm inside. It helps to acknowledge the circumstances on a larger scale.

A massage, followed by a delicious lunch in my very favorite “Go Raw Cafe” minutes away from home have been great and replenishing and made me realize again and again the preciousness of my little family.I am so grateful.

customs

We had the chance to visit the Orthodox Church in Vegas, which was surprisingly inviting and light a candle. It is a Bulgarian custom to give away a meal to family members three days after your loved one has passed away, so I took Sami and Stoyan to a small Bulgarian coffee shop for pastries and cappuccino. I know someone who would have appreciated those gladly, and I know he actually did.

glad

Moving slowly through the grief, I have moments of sudden light when I realize things that I am utterly glad about. Back in December when I was thorn apart between leaving my little baby and going home to my family in their toughest time, I chose to spend 10 unforgettable days with my father. Although the pain of the moment is incredible, I knew back then that  when I waived him goodbye from the bus in that snowy morning, it was for the last time. We both knew it. I could read it in his eyes and he must have read through mine. I don’t think  I would be nearly as put together right now, not having done this. Way before all the chemo, all the pills, agony, desperation, and worst of all the moments of hope.

This is the place where we were while my father took his last breaths.

I am so glad for this fact since it was the woods that he enjoyed so much, and we had the rare occasion of leaving Vegas for the day and spend it in the mountains. Although I found out hours later, I knew he was there with us.

metta

Dad, I miss your hands! I cannot believe that you will not meet me at the airport in a few days. I am flooded by memories and nostalgia. In Buddhism it is believed that right after death the spirit is preparing for its rebirth and it takes between 2 days to 47 days before it does. It is important for the loved ones to have a very open positive and heartfelt attitude towards the deceased so that his soul finds peace and a great new form.

Stoyan and I have been trying to remember our happy times with him, and I have been telling him stories of my childhood that I had long forgotten. With a smile.

I am sending you my deepest love.

I am sending you Metta.

life through death

My father has passed away.

I considered myself prepared. God, I had re-lived this moment over and over again for the past nine months. Yet the shock was tremendous. It is extremely hard to write about this, but as I have promised myself this space is my therapy, as well as my only stream of communicating out to the world at this moment. Slowly unglueing from the denial and the initial breakdown I find myself cycling back and forth from realization to complete confusion. I constantly ask Stoyan to wake me up from this dream. It is a dream indeed.
Not sleeping does not help either. It puts me into a weird state of mind where everything is a bit twisted. I see him opening the front door and talking to Sami and next thing I know I am on the couch covered in tears. They are pouring today, opposite to the first moments when my mom gave me the gravest news.

I am trying to find some solace in books and texts that have always kept my heart up.
“According to the Buddhist way of thinking, death, far from being a subject
to be shunned and avoided, is the key that unlocks the seeming mystery of
life. It is by understanding death that we understand life; for death is
part of the process of life in the larger sense. In another sense, life and
death are two ends of the same process and if you understand one end of the
process, you also understand the other end. Hence, by understanding the
purpose of death we also understand the purpose of life.”

My father has left me with the single message to live a life that brings the most satisfaction to me and the ones that I love. And here I am stuck with the hardest calling trying to understand the purpose of life through death.

Here is the place to thank you all for the tremendous support. I know I am stronger just by having you all in my life.

Posted in Uncategorized

sublimation

Not for the easily offended. Looking for a good home. With ‘no strings attached’.I just dug out one of my latest toys. I don’t think it represents the first thing that comes to mind though…and I was trying to figure out the state of mind I must have been in while knitting it. It must have been the sensation slash attention seeker in me.

take your time

“If you’re not doing the work you love, the greatest contribution you can make to the world and to your own growth is to take whatever time you need to figure out what you want to do. Then start doing it.” Living the simple life, James, E.

This is a major point that Stoyan and I have always considered. But at some point we just stopped. We diverged… It is also one of the reasons why we are leaving the comfort of Vegas’ life. When I look back I cannot fathom how long it took us to actually move on with what we’ve always wanted. But now I know, there are reasons for everything. And I am a believer that when a person stays in certain situation, it is only because they find something to stay for. If the stove is too hot and unbearable, you wouldn’t even consider sitting on it. It’s the same with life circumstances. You either run away from something that you certainly know you cannot take or you tolerate it for a reason, no matter how close to your consciousness it is. Your Life is almost always a result of your own choices. The rest is the emotional baggage that your parents, teachers, friends, and even bosses have vested in you. And here again, it is how much you have allowed them to shape you up. With the big exception of your parents’ role (the one you can hardly have chosen), all else is a byproduct.

These last months have been life transforming for me, for Stoyan, not yet for Sami, but for my family back home as well. New challenges have smoldered us, and others we have somehow overcome. It’s time for big decisions, choices, and deep-thought for me. I became quite introverted and introspective, although I have always been some of a loner. I think this thought alone has lots to do with the idea to  have my own blog and to just let go of all the boiling emotions inside. I often accuse myself of over-thinking. It is a real monster. But my demons are the ones that make me stronger, and I cannot help but acknowledge their constant presence.

And I sometimes wonder what is better: taking a foreverness before you make a choice or follow your spontaneity and go with the urge? Needless to say, I have always chosen the first scenario. I am glad though, that at this point I am considering the risk of leaving everything behind and catching up with some matters of the heart.

wonder

“And still they gazed, and still the wonder grew; That one small head could carry all he knew”…

…thank you, Sami, my ray of light