My father has passed away.
I considered myself prepared. God, I had re-lived this moment over and over again for the past nine months. Yet the shock was tremendous. It is extremely hard to write about this, but as I have promised myself this space is my therapy, as well as my only stream of communicating out to the world at this moment. Slowly unglueing from the denial and the initial breakdown I find myself cycling back and forth from realization to complete confusion. I constantly ask Stoyan to wake me up from this dream. It is a dream indeed.
Not sleeping does not help either. It puts me into a weird state of mind where everything is a bit twisted. I see him opening the front door and talking to Sami and next thing I know I am on the couch covered in tears. They are pouring today, opposite to the first moments when my mom gave me the gravest news.
I am trying to find some solace in books and texts that have always kept my heart up.
“According to the Buddhist way of thinking, death, far from being a subject
to be shunned and avoided, is the key that unlocks the seeming mystery of
life. It is by understanding death that we understand life; for death is
part of the process of life in the larger sense. In another sense, life and
death are two ends of the same process and if you understand one end of the
process, you also understand the other end. Hence, by understanding the
purpose of death we also understand the purpose of life.”
My father has left me with the single message to live a life that brings the most satisfaction to me and the ones that I love. And here I am stuck with the hardest calling trying to understand the purpose of life through death.
Here is the place to thank you all for the tremendous support. I know I am stronger just by having you all in my life.