I don’t recall devoting so much time to study and I don’t recall having a mark below a B…I don’t recall a B even. Seriously. You are dealing with a major nerd here, who cries over marks in school, over loosing at Monopoly and i won’t say over what else. The embarrassment of this disclosure is big enough.
Yesterday, we got our first paper back and the grades Stoyan and I got, were…mmmmm, can I say this, can I, in public? Get humiliated? Expose myself? When all my energy goes to cover up my defects…can I just go out here and say I got a 53%? Naaaah! Not worth it. I will just stay here and tell you all about the efforts and time we have both put into this assignment. This Statistics assignment. Wait, yes, we do study Psychology, but the nastiest of it – research. While I have become to realize that research is not where I will be feeding and dressing Sami from, the pain of this insight is too big to handle, so for now I will continue with convincing how great it is to be a scientist, bit the belt, and go on with it. After all there are 2 more assignments on pure statistical hell and they aren’t going anywhere. So, self-pitty, you finished? Cos I have a meta-analysis to run and then I have to face my upcoming 30th. Suck on that, Anova!
The number 30 is ferociously rolling in my direction…and I couldn’t be happier about it. Because in my simplistic mind, 30 year-old’s are much smarter, mature and wiser. So, I will be embracing this thought and not even paying a speck of attention to the line that I saw creeping on my forehead.
As we were in lectures all day yesterday, I saw Stoyan’s pencil. He actually wrote that on it…Seeing him getting excited about MY birthday is the best gift I could possibly want. So I took it. And I will be keeping it.
“Take flight each day! At least for a moment, however brief, as long as it is intense. Every day a ‘spiritual exercise,’ alone or in the company of a man who also wishes to better himself … Leave ordinary time behind. Make an effort to rid yourself of your own passions … Become eternal by surpassing yourself. This inner effort is necessary, this ambition, just. Many are those who are entirely absorbed in the revolution. Rare, very rare, are those who, in order to prepare for the revolution, wish to become worthy of it.” —Georges Friedmann
…I was thinking about how conceited I used to be just a few years back. Maybe in my early 20’s. I used to be judgmental of people especially when it came to education. You could not have me talking to just about anyone about anything personal. Disclosure was a dignified gift only for the selected few. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would still enjoy chatting with a beggar on the bust stop and just be myself. However, I would automatically consider most people inferior. I had that notion that no lay man could know about life and its intricate meaning unless they spent about a million years over books and self-reflection.
Then I started working as a waitress. A huge blow to my ego. H U G E. I was placed in such a foreign setting, conversations, experiences of simple mere people, and to my amazement they also had a way of interpreting life. I don’t think any of my colleagues ever showed signs of questioning their existence or self-reflection. But they were still magically managing to extract something that made them feel like themselves. Conversations never went beyond the house, the children, the new car, the Christmas stew, and next year’s dream vacation. I was so crushed at first. As an avid introvert and self-torturer I felt completely lonely and so lost, questioning my own values. Well, many of those I had to reshape, reconstruct, create. Many of my friends there possessed amazing social skills that from a psychological point of view worked perfectly for keeping them sane. I began to think that shutting one’s philosophical eye has a potential of making you happy. Happy. How hedonistic, and how needed, intrinsic, intuitive, instinctive! Yet, when I was leaving the luxurious bright and polished casino bar, hardly anyone of them could get it. But why are you leaving this job, health insurance, a salary twice as good as a psychologist’s, fancy 2-story house, and mostly-America-the greatest?
That’s why I had to.
Yesterday, I was stricken by our building custodian. You just know when someone is genuinely accomplished and just happy. I so admire such people!
So no more judging. I know that every single one of us has it and it’s what you yourself make of it. So simple.