in moments like these..

..I lose sight of all my goals and all my desires, because there are no words out there to describe the loss that I feel. Stoyan is taking Sami back to Varna…
..the love that has grown in my heart though, could keep me charged for several eternities ahead! As I said, there are no words…

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maminka

You are my favorite grandma! The last words I told her…

…this side of my family is now forever gone…it almost feels like I lost half of my roots…in the last three years, my grandfather, then my dad, and now her, barely six months after the loss of her son…

death is a big part of me now

lately

Lately, I add milk to my evening coffee. This is new. It makes me sleep, I wanna believe. Lately, I catch myself observing each move I make. Yesterday, looking at myself in the elevator mirror, I saw something unfamiliar into the brownness of my eyes. It scared me to look at my eyes and to actually see myself. People are so used to their own face after spending all their life endlessly staring at themselves. It was somehow psychotic to see someone else there, staring…when the elevator bell rang sharply and the door opened, I was relieved. Hm…That was new.

Lately, I try to be more real. No make-up. No nail polish. No phone calls to friends that I don’t really consider friends…and yet, there is this feeling that this is not me again. I guess, all the circumstances from the last year in my life, have conspired against me to the extent that I no longer know who I am, what I was and who I am striving to become.

Lately, I have become spiteful, somehow evil especially to the closest people in my life…What has happened? Why the vulnerability? Such a shaky ground below me. All is in the past. What follows? Will I be able to always enjoy my son’s deliciously stinky feet? I guess I need some peace of mind. Some space. Loneliness.

All of these feelings came suddenly and unexpectedly over a slice of lemon that I have been observing for the last hour on the kitchen table. When I subconsciously catch myself going free with associations over random objects…I began thinking about how bitter, sour, used, and unpleasant I’ve been feeling lately, no juices left, just a few seeds that just bug the hell of everybody. I got up and threw it in the garbage. Rotting lemon peel. No zest. No saliva-producing, provocative, and standing-out-from-the-rest-of-the-citruses…

I wonder where I am going with this. Lemonade, anyone?

3

I am sure you have all experienced the family/relatives overwhelmness that follows after the Christmas/New Year bash and overall, the holidays. Well, for me this literally starts 3 minutes after landing in Varna. We had all the bang and shebang for two weeks, this is fourteen days of get togethers for breakfast, coffee, lunch, coffee, and dinner. Yes, twice the coffee. On top, we are staying with Stoyan’s parents. Blaaaaa. Dot, dot, dot.
So, after 3 gained kilos and a million of nerve endings forever gone, Stoyan, Sami and I packed our 3 suitcases, two carry-ons, a stroller, and THE bear and waved the teary relatives goodbye. We are currently staying in our bestest friends’ house in Sofia while they are conquering Machu Pucchu (as they have been doing that for the last 3 years or so, we always stay in their place when in Sofia, bless their hearts, do we love that!). I just woke up, cooked breakfast while the boys are sleeping, made myself the best espresso and man, do I enjoy a peaceful morning away from all the white noise family creates. As much as I miss having a fight with my mum over lunch, and the endless bickering with my mother-in-law I have come to realize that the farther we are from Bulgaria the better. Even UK is somehow close, well compared to Vegas for sure, but I just do not feel right knowing they are a 3-hour flight away from me. There must be something really wrong with that but it is really the case with us and we have been welcoming all thoughts of relocating really far. REALLY FAR. So, in this snowy Sofia morning, instead of working on my grant proposal and research poster, which would sooooooo help in the above mentioned plans, I cannot wait for Sami and Stoyan to wake up and to just BE together. Just the 3 of us.