Lately, I add milk to my evening coffee. This is new. It makes me sleep, I wanna believe. Lately, I catch myself observing each move I make. Yesterday, looking at myself in the elevator mirror, I saw something unfamiliar into the brownness of my eyes. It scared me to look at my eyes and to actually see myself. People are so used to their own face after spending all their life endlessly staring at themselves. It was somehow psychotic to see someone else there, staring…when the elevator bell rang sharply and the door opened, I was relieved. Hm…That was new.
Lately, I try to be more real. No make-up. No nail polish. No phone calls to friends that I don’t really consider friends…and yet, there is this feeling that this is not me again. I guess, all the circumstances from the last year in my life, have conspired against me to the extent that I no longer know who I am, what I was and who I am striving to become.
Lately, I have become spiteful, somehow evil especially to the closest people in my life…What has happened? Why the vulnerability? Such a shaky ground below me. All is in the past. What follows? Will I be able to always enjoy my son’s deliciously stinky feet? I guess I need some peace of mind. Some space. Loneliness.
All of these feelings came suddenly and unexpectedly over a slice of lemon that I have been observing for the last hour on the kitchen table. When I subconsciously catch myself going free with associations over random objects…I began thinking about how bitter, sour, used, and unpleasant I’ve been feeling lately, no juices left, just a few seeds that just bug the hell of everybody. I got up and threw it in the garbage. Rotting lemon peel. No zest. No saliva-producing, provocative, and standing-out-from-the-rest-of-the-citruses…
I wonder where I am going with this. Lemonade, anyone?