north tea power
Self-pity is such a bitch…It is a given that when in times of transition, overboard stress, new challenges, and particularly in my case – tough decisions, people tend to break down in desperation. Now, usually I am in a fight mode, you know…from the fight or flight dichotomous choice that we are normally faced with in similar times. I just get up and I am ready to take it, whatever the day throws in my direction, I am prepared with a bullet-proof cast of defenses.
What I have overcome lately though, which to me is huge, is to just stop and breathe, leave my normal environment and try to put on a different take on things. These usually involve strolling through the city, getting a cup of coffee at my favorite place, reading a book on a topic that has nothing to do with my studies, or just make up a nonsense story for my son (which he absolutely loves).
Today, however, I cannot do any of these, or so I think. You see, when you are flooded with this type of emotions, and self-pity takes over, you put on a distorted pair of glasses. You can imagine the vision I get through them “Nothing’s gonna work”, “You cannot possibly do ALL that in that time-frame”, “You will fail”… and as much as I love blaming it all on my parents (I’ve done it so much and so openly by now, that I can say I can no longer harbor any blame towards them) sometimes it just does not work. The thing that I just had nonchalantly put in brackets DOES mean the world to me, but on some days I completely disregard it and choose pro-desperation. And as much as I know how important it is to get my mind off of these thoughts, they just grip my throat and I surrender.
Lectures are officially over, and the two exams that are approaching with a lightening speed are a definite mood killer. The month of May has been usually a month for relaxation, vacations and just the dreamiest time, ever since Stoyan and I got together 13 years ago! We have made it a point to always ‘celebrate’ it in a way, and through the years we’ve devoted many trips to May 18. Five years after on the day we began seeing each other, we got married…our honeymoon was in Santorini, Greece, and then New Zealand and Fiji followed, Mexico, Jamaica… Laguna beach, Santa Barbara.
This year we bought tickets to see Roger Waters with “The Wall”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited, won’t even begin to tell ya! However, to make revising for the exams even more challenging we decided to go to London for a few days, as with Sami would have been nearly impossible to take it leisurely.
So I am doubling up on dissertation work, revising for a philosophy exam, transcribing the interviews I did with mums, putting together another research proposal and a PhD application, so that in London I WILL NOT open a single article, I won’t even think of perinatal care, and how falsificating a theory progresses science!
…well, maybe a little on the train…it doesn’t count, right