on self-pity and other terrors that are flooding my mind these days

Self-pity is such a bitch…It is a given that when in times of transition, overboard stress, new challenges, and particularly in my case – tough decisions, people tend to break down in desperation. Now, usually I am in a fight mode, you know…from the fight or flight dichotomous choice that we are normally faced with in similar times. I just get up and I am ready to take it, whatever the day throws in my direction, I am prepared with a bullet-proof cast of defenses.
What I have overcome lately though, which to me is huge, is to just stop and breathe, leave my normal environment and try to put on a different take on things. These usually involve strolling through the city, getting a cup of coffee at my favorite place, reading a book on a topic that has nothing to do with my studies, or just make up a nonsense story for my son (which he absolutely loves).
Today, however, I cannot do any of these, or so I think. You see, when you are flooded with this type of emotions, and self-pity takes over, you put on a distorted pair of glasses. You can imagine the vision I get through them “Nothing’s gonna work”, “You cannot possibly do ALL that in that time-frame”, “You will fail”… and as much as I love blaming it all on my parents (I’ve done it so much and so openly by now, that I can say I can no longer harbor any blame towards them) sometimes it just does not work. The thing that I just had nonchalantly put in brackets DOES mean the world to me, but on some days I completely disregard it and choose pro-desperation. And as much as I know how important it is to get my mind off of these thoughts, they just grip my throat and I surrender.
17 days…


2 thoughts on “on self-pity and other terrors that are flooding my mind these days

  1. And yet, in your defense:
    Every time you’d call your parents before an exam in the past, you’d always tell them “I don’t know anything!”
    And then you’d call them and tell them “I got an excellent grade!” So…learn from the past. You actually know much more than you think. And also, you started too early. You are simply DONE studying!

    Point number two: I like fight mode better than flight mode. It means you haven’t given up. I remind you, though – DO pick your battles!

    Love ya! AZM

  2. Totally been there! When the bucket is constantly on a seesaw the water is emptied out of when the seesaw keeps swinging side to side, and the water is all gone; there is nothing left. You will have your restore time, and the bucket will get filled back up again. Sometimes it can’t be when you want it, but it will change that is guaranteed.

    Keeping fighting, it’s a great attribute as da Hubby said šŸ™‚
    It helps grow the size of the bucket, so the next seesaw won’t be so tough on the water level.

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