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This was a blissful week of spontaneous walks, decisions and the freedom to listen to my heart.
Yes, I still woke up at 5 am every morning but only to meditate gazing at the sunrise through the window from my beautiful hotel overlooking the harbour. And yes, I still attended and presented at a conference but it was a breeze, and I chose only the sessions that truly interested me or even better, didn’t plan to attend, just happened to be there and always ended up at the best ones. I explored hidden cafes, spoke to very interesting people, went to a dinner all alone (still a bit weird) and walked, and walked.
How about transferring vacation mind to everyday reality? On it!
So many things happened in one year…and I am relieved it is over, as it has been among the toughest…and as you may know those are also the best teachers.
I am now a confirmed PhD Scholar and somehow managed to pull an amazing presentation last week. So what?
This has been by far the most unexpected, challenging and overwhelming year in terms of exploring my own personal knowledge boundaries, the way I think about knowledge(s), how I construct meaning around myself, and how I interpret the world (research and work just follows). I can now fully state that the more I dig and read and write, the less I know. There are, though, times of insights. Snippets of light. States of flow. When all of a sudden you climb up invisible stairs and you are able to look down and discern a pattern, a shape, a link…and that’s when I know this is my path, and I go on blindly following.
Ok, heavy speech I know, but what I mean is, I am super hyped that I was given this hardship, and that this bit is over, it is past me, I am on the other side now! Doing what we do, is not for the faint-hearted (as it turns out I am one)…support support and more support is what one needs not only when doing a full-time PhD, full-time mothering, and when you also what to be fully present for your partner, your home, community, interests, etc. When support is lacking or none, you end up like me. Totally overwhelmed, lost, and ultimately sick. My body has been struggling for the past 9 months to get me through, and not without fall-backs. I spent this first year permanently ill, all infections, maladies, fatigue, depression, anxiety, migraines, you name it… Naturally, when a cold persists for that long and you cannot catch up on rest, it gets into your mind and the way you start thinking about yourself. It consumes you. It conquers you. It wins.
Well, to bring out the light in all this, my illnesses and body, had ultimately thought me the best of lessons! Not until I began to listen, I managed to prioritize and pull myself together…Insightfully, at once and also very slowly, slowly opening up to my senses, listening to my feet, my stomach, my ears, my nose, my hair, my heart. I am determined to selfishly and selflessly devote myself to a better me, a healthier me, a sane me. With no better purpose such as to be a better mum, a better scholar, a better wife, a better friend. No.
Just for my own sake this time. And this is to be ME. Just ME. To accept me. No better versions of me, but this one. No better future ME, the one that comes with “if’s” and “should’s” and “oh, must-have’s”. I am who I am. It is what it is. And it is now. And now is all I have got.
You may try to give it a go. close-up the last chapter, the last year, the last project…and just be.
Have a brilliant YOU-day!