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So many things happened in one year…and I am relieved it is over, as it has been among the toughest…and as you may know those are also the best teachers.
I am now a confirmed PhD Scholar and somehow managed to pull an amazing presentation last week. So what?
This has been by far the most unexpected, challenging and overwhelming year in terms of exploring my own personal knowledge boundaries, the way I think about knowledge(s), how I construct meaning around myself, and how I interpret the world (research and work just follows). I can now fully state that the more I dig and read and write, the less I know. There are, though, times of insights. Snippets of light. States of flow. When all of a sudden you climb up invisible stairs and you are able to look down and discern a pattern, a shape, a link…and that’s when I know this is my path, and I go on blindly following.
Ok, heavy speech I know, but what I mean is, I am super hyped that I was given this hardship, and that this bit is over, it is past me, I am on the other side now! Doing what we do, is not for the faint-hearted (as it turns out I am one)…support support and more support is what one needs not only when doing a full-time PhD, full-time mothering, and when you also what to be fully present for your partner, your home, community, interests, etc. When support is lacking or none, you end up like me. Totally overwhelmed, lost, and ultimately sick. My body has been struggling for the past 9 months to get me through, and not without fall-backs. I spent this first year permanently ill, all infections, maladies, fatigue, depression, anxiety, migraines, you name it… Naturally, when a cold persists for that long and you cannot catch up on rest, it gets into your mind and the way you start thinking about yourself. It consumes you. It conquers you. It wins.
Well, to bring out the light in all this, my illnesses and body, had ultimately thought me the best of lessons! Not until I began to listen, I managed to prioritize and pull myself together…Insightfully, at once and also very slowly, slowly opening up to my senses, listening to my feet, my stomach, my ears, my nose, my hair, my heart. I am determined to selfishly and selflessly devote myself to a better me, a healthier me, a sane me. With no better purpose such as to be a better mum, a better scholar, a better wife, a better friend. No.
Just for my own sake this time. And this is to be ME. Just ME. To accept me. No better versions of me, but this one. No better future ME, the one that comes with “if’s” and “should’s” and “oh, must-have’s”. I am who I am. It is what it is. And it is now. And now is all I have got.
You may try to give it a go. close-up the last chapter, the last year, the last project…and just be.
Have a brilliant YOU-day!
hm, where do I start? maybe with my old-school upbringing that did not recognize sleeping at someone else’s bed before all other options of staying home have been exhausted – like moving to another city to go to college for example?? And when there, you are still supposed to stick to your bed! or, as it was with stoyan and I when we lived together as students – you stick to your side of the bed. period.
little did we know about the sweetness and advantages of sleepovers, and I am not even talking about us! A four and a half years old toddler, who struggles to dress himself still, turns into an exemplary child with perfect manners and a routine, saying please and thank you, and even wiping his tush successfully! All that, when he had a sleepover at his girlfriend’s (am I actually typing all this?!) from kindergarten. They are best buds and the cutest to look at, and while they are working on their fond friendship, mummy and daddy are working on exploring Brisbane at night, having a drink at the movies, talking with no interruption…wait did I say talking….I meant doing everything with no interruption – walking, holding hands, following a film, going to a restaurant, having a coffee in silence, etcetera……
Everybody had the best time! So parents out there, especially those who live with no family around, embrace sleepovers, and enjoy yourselves!
we feel like little thieves every Thursday morning when we drop off Sami to kindy, and instead of heading to the office, we head to… a date! No lipstick and heels, no fine dinner and bubbly, no dancing and midnight swims…those are long forgotten (for now, until Sami is off to college calling his parents on the weekend only to get to their voice mail, a-haa!).
We now go for a much humbler experience. A minute or two of uninterrupted coffee. We order, we sit, we wait, we gaze at each other, filled with the effort of recognizing and slowly remembering WHO that person was, how their hands felt, what their voice was, and then we are just walking and talking, and then some more talking. We sometimes have lunch, we sometimes have a picnic by the river, we go watch a movie. We even had a couple’s massage.
Then Stoyan goes for a late shift at the emptying campus. I pick Sami up, holding him a tad stronger, sniffing his hair a tad longer.
these are our date days. we like them.