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This being human is a guest house.
Every morning is new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the same, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Do you know about flow? That intense state of being, when you are engulfed in the present moment, totally devoted to what you are doing…immersed, to the point of no sleep (or getting up at 3 am to write), no food (I completely forget about meals, me? the foodie? yes!), no external world whatsoever, and totally loving it?!
Yes, I skipped my morning shower yesterday. And I even got to notice it, so maybe there is still some times when I switch off and leave my realm. On top of all, I am still recovering from a nasty cold, but I have found this to be a very flow-like time for me.
When I started my doctorate 6 months ago, I was initially completely lost, almost drowned in all the information out there that I just had to take in with no theoretical framework to hold it together, to contain it. And you know what this means? Just that. No. Framework.
It’s like a very complex painting that has no frame, and it is all over the wall, spreading outside of the room, leaving the premises of your house only to explode in a big blotch of colours, shapes and meanings. Quite post-modern, I may say…but only recently I became aware of this, and even of the above comparison. Because, clearly, we don’t know what we don’t know, until we go back and realize what we did not know.
Naturally, there was a havoc. All previous ideas, quite influenced by others, went to hell and I started my project from scratch.I am building it right now. Reading and writing, then doing more reading, and more and more…At times, I just want to throw it all away, as learning more about things and all the ramifications that come from a single piece of information, are utterly confusing. It creates tons of anxieties. It makes me feel so little.
I think I am beginning to see the scaffolding of things and this is what keeps me going, as I now have the shoulders of a giant to sit on, and this is very reassuring. As much as I wanted to be a pioneer I still need others’ shoulders (and other body parts presumably) to begin my own adventure from.
I guess what this all means is that I find meaning in what I do! And it is so rewarding! It is flow.
And thank goodness for husbands who take care of children in moments like these! I would have never done this without you. Period.
This I found on my husband blog that I have written 2 and a half years ago…gotta say, still agree with it 100%.
to be continued…
“The narrative identity can be understood as an active information-processing structure, a cognitive schema, a construct system that is both shaped by and later mediates social interaction.
Essentially, people construct stories to account for what they do and why they did it. These narratives impose an order on people’s actions and explain people’s behavior with sequence of events that connect up to explanatory goals, motivations, and feelings.
These self-narratives then act to shape and guide future behaviour, as people act in ways that agree with the stories or myths they have created about themselves.”
Maruna, (2001). Making good: How ex-convicts reform and rebuild their lives.
What a good day that was. Topped up with an award for an outstanding performance. And Sami made it through the whole ceremony!!!
Thank you, Sami for the most amazing opportunity you’ve given me as your mother and as a researcher into other mom’s hearts! Thank you, Stoyan, for everything that you are. You get the award for outstanding husband, infallibly! Thank you, to my mom, who actually makes it much easier for me to be a mom, especially lately! For all the moms who participated in my studies, I am forever grateful!
This has been the craziest year of school ever! And I am so not complaining. I actually couldn’t be happier about it, as much effort and struggle it took. Last exam is on Tuesday, and then dissertation is due mid-September (well, actually early August, if you have a busy supervisor who ignores the fact that it is summer, and people need to leave the premises of their desks once in a while, beyond loo-reasons).
I am actually planning to superpull a week, immediately after exams, to work on it, so that I can have a yummy Sami time when he arrives.
What keeps me going is that I do enjoy the process.
And believe me, my second due date is in 8 days!
p.s. Didsbury park @ 23 degrees (a great study location)