thoughts

This “Letter to boys” that an uncle wrote to his nephews resonated deeply with me. Sharing a small piece with you:

“The company you avoid defines you.
Eliminating people gently, discreetly, is an art, and you must learn this early on. Otherwise too much of your adult life will be devoted to avoiding people you do not like, and not enough of your hours can be spent with the ones you love”

I would add: Flush regularly your nose passages and your cluttered relationships.
Make sure your energy flows easily around you and the people you share your life with.
Clean your desk, your cupboards. Give away the stuff you don’t need or use daily. Relinquish burdensome friendships. Keep the main thing, the main thing. Empty your inner (and outer) house and your heart will be full!

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closing up year 1 “down under”

So many things happened in one year…and I am relieved it is over, as it has been among the toughest…and as you may know those are also the best teachers.

I am now a confirmed PhD Scholar and somehow managed to pull an amazing presentation last week. So what?

This has been by far the most unexpected, challenging and overwhelming year in terms of exploring my own personal knowledge boundaries, the way I think about knowledge(s), how I construct meaning around myself, and how I interpret the world (research and work just follows). I can now fully state that the more I dig and read and write, the less I know. There are, though, times of insights. Snippets of light. States of flow. When all of a sudden you climb up invisible stairs and you are able to look down and discern a pattern, a shape, a link…and that’s when I know this is my path, and I go on blindly following.

Ok, heavy speech I know, but what I mean is, I am super hyped that I was given this hardship, and that this bit is over, it is past me, I am on the other side now! Doing what we do, is not for the faint-hearted (as it turns out I am one)…support support and more support is what one needs not only when doing a full-time PhD, full-time mothering, and when you also what to be fully present for your partner, your home, community, interests, etc. When support is lacking or none, you end up like me. Totally overwhelmed, lost, and ultimately sick. My body has been struggling for the past 9 months to get me through, and not without fall-backs. I spent this first year permanently ill, all infections, maladies, fatigue, depression, anxiety, migraines, you name it… Naturally, when a cold persists for that long and you cannot catch up on rest, it gets into your mind and the way you start thinking about yourself. It consumes you. It conquers you. It wins.

Well, to bring out the light in all this, my illnesses and body, had ultimately thought me the best of lessons! Not until I began to listen, I managed to prioritize and pull myself together…Insightfully, at once and also very slowly, slowly opening up to my senses, listening to my feet, my stomach, my ears, my nose, my hair, my heart. I am determined to selfishly and selflessly devote myself to a better me, a healthier me, a sane me. With no better purpose such as to be a better mum, a better scholar, a better wife, a better friend. No.

Just for my own sake this time. And this is to be ME. Just ME. To accept me. No better versions of me, but this one. No better future ME, the one that comes with “if’s” and “should’s” and “oh, must-have’s”. I am who I am. It is what it is. And it is now. And now is all I have got.

You may try to give it a go. close-up the last chapter, the last year, the last project…and just be.

Have a brilliant YOU-day!

day 7 from the hermits

While, luckily Sami has been feeling better for the past 2 days, I still decided to keep him home and baby him! What a great regression to babyhood for both of us, by the way…

I have tried to cheer up the house and while he is napping to get some writing done.

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Last night we had a gorgeous dinner, and the night before a mock up “romantic night out” on our balcony.. I believe lotsa healing of the body starts with a happy and cheerful heart!

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Stay happy and healthy!

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“the guest house”

This being human is a guest house.
Evry morning a new arrival.

A joy, a desperation, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi.

Posted in zen

“wild geese”

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Menawhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air,
are hearing home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Mary Oliver, “Dream Work”

it is what it is

so simple and so powerful. to me it is a great challenge to accept things the way they are, non-judgmentally, openly and most of all, not willing to change anything.
if there is such thing as a new year’s resolution, that must be it for me, and I have been working on it for maybe a year now…

Posted in zen

let go and be aware

“The astonishing thing, so counter-intuitive, is that nothing else needs to happen. We can give up trying to make something special occur. In letting go of wanting something special to occur, maybe we can realize that something very special is already occurring, and is always occurring, namely life merging in each moment as awareness itself”. (John Kabat-Zinn)