Lately, I add milk to my evening coffee. This is new. It makes me sleep, I wanna believe. Lately, I catch myself observing each move I make. Yesterday, looking at myself in the elevator mirror, I saw something unfamiliar into the brownness of my eyes. It scared me to look at my eyes and to actually see myself. People are so used to their own face after spending all their life endlessly staring at themselves. It was somehow psychotic to see someone else there, staring…when the elevator bell rang sharply and the door opened, I was relieved. Hm…That was new.
Lately, I try to be more real. No make-up. No nail polish. No phone calls to friends that I don’t really consider friends…and yet, there is this feeling that this is not me again. I guess, all the circumstances from the last year in my life, have conspired against me to the extent that I no longer know who I am, what I was and who I am striving to become.
Lately, I have become spiteful, somehow evil especially to the closest people in my life…What has happened? Why the vulnerability? Such a shaky ground below me. All is in the past. What follows? Will I be able to always enjoy my son’s deliciously stinky feet? I guess I need some peace of mind. Some space. Loneliness.
All of these feelings came suddenly and unexpectedly over a slice of lemon that I have been observing for the last hour on the kitchen table. When I subconsciously catch myself going free with associations over random objects…I began thinking about how bitter, sour, used, and unpleasant I’ve been feeling lately, no juices left, just a few seeds that just bug the hell of everybody. I got up and threw it in the garbage. Rotting lemon peel. No zest. No saliva-producing, provocative, and standing-out-from-the-rest-of-the-citruses…
I wonder where I am going with this. Lemonade, anyone?
I don’t recall devoting so much time to study and I don’t recall having a mark below a B…I don’t recall a B even. Seriously. You are dealing with a major nerd here, who cries over marks in school, over loosing at Monopoly and i won’t say over what else. The embarrassment of this disclosure is big enough.
Yesterday, we got our first paper back and the grades Stoyan and I got, were…mmmmm, can I say this, can I, in public? Get humiliated? Expose myself? When all my energy goes to cover up my defects…can I just go out here and say I got a 53%? Naaaah! Not worth it. I will just stay here and tell you all about the efforts and time we have both put into this assignment. This Statistics assignment. Wait, yes, we do study Psychology, but the nastiest of it – research. While I have become to realize that research is not where I will be feeding and dressing Sami from, the pain of this insight is too big to handle, so for now I will continue with convincing how great it is to be a scientist, bit the belt, and go on with it. After all there are 2 more assignments on pure statistical hell and they aren’t going anywhere. So, self-pitty, you finished? Cos I have a meta-analysis to run and then I have to face my upcoming 30th. Suck on that, Anova!
…I was thinking about how conceited I used to be just a few years back. Maybe in my early 20’s. I used to be judgmental of people especially when it came to education. You could not have me talking to just about anyone about anything personal. Disclosure was a dignified gift only for the selected few. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would still enjoy chatting with a beggar on the bust stop and just be myself. However, I would automatically consider most people inferior. I had that notion that no lay man could know about life and its intricate meaning unless they spent about a million years over books and self-reflection.
Then I started working as a waitress. A huge blow to my ego. H U G E. I was placed in such a foreign setting, conversations, experiences of simple mere people, and to my amazement they also had a way of interpreting life. I don’t think any of my colleagues ever showed signs of questioning their existence or self-reflection. But they were still magically managing to extract something that made them feel like themselves. Conversations never went beyond the house, the children, the new car, the Christmas stew, and next year’s dream vacation. I was so crushed at first. As an avid introvert and self-torturer I felt completely lonely and so lost, questioning my own values. Well, many of those I had to reshape, reconstruct, create. Many of my friends there possessed amazing social skills that from a psychological point of view worked perfectly for keeping them sane. I began to think that shutting one’s philosophical eye has a potential of making you happy. Happy. How hedonistic, and how needed, intrinsic, intuitive, instinctive! Yet, when I was leaving the luxurious bright and polished casino bar, hardly anyone of them could get it. But why are you leaving this job, health insurance, a salary twice as good as a psychologist’s, fancy 2-story house, and mostly-America-the greatest?
That’s why I had to.
Yesterday, I was stricken by our building custodian. You just know when someone is genuinely accomplished and just happy. I so admire such people!
So no more judging. I know that every single one of us has it and it’s what you yourself make of it. So simple.
“If you’re not doing the work you love, the greatest contribution you can make to the world and to your own growth is to take whatever time you need to figure out what you want to do. Then start doing it.” Living the simple life, James, E.
This is a major point that Stoyan and I have always considered. But at some point we just stopped. We diverged… It is also one of the reasons why we are leaving the comfort of Vegas’ life. When I look back I cannot fathom how long it took us to actually move on with what we’ve always wanted. But now I know, there are reasons for everything. And I am a believer that when a person stays in certain situation, it is only because they find something to stay for. If the stove is too hot and unbearable, you wouldn’t even consider sitting on it. It’s the same with life circumstances. You either run away from something that you certainly know you cannot take or you tolerate it for a reason, no matter how close to your consciousness it is. Your Life is almost always a result of your own choices. The rest is the emotional baggage that your parents, teachers, friends, and even bosses have vested in you. And here again, it is how much you have allowed them to shape you up. With the big exception of your parents’ role (the one you can hardly have chosen), all else is a byproduct.
These last months have been life transforming for me, for Stoyan, not yet for Sami, but for my family back home as well. New challenges have smoldered us, and others we have somehow overcome. It’s time for big decisions, choices, and deep-thought for me. I became quite introverted and introspective, although I have always been some of a loner. I think this thought alone has lots to do with the idea to have my own blog and to just let go of all the boiling emotions inside. I often accuse myself of over-thinking. It is a real monster. But my demons are the ones that make me stronger, and I cannot help but acknowledge their constant presence.
And I sometimes wonder what is better: taking a foreverness before you make a choice or follow your spontaneity and go with the urge? Needless to say, I have always chosen the first scenario. I am glad though, that at this point I am considering the risk of leaving everything behind and catching up with some matters of the heart.
“Courage is resistance to fear; mastery of fear. Not absence of fear.”
Thank you, Mark Twain.
It is much needed of an advice lately…
Happiness is a choice. Yet, I catch myself often choosing against it…
“Overall I am not too impressed with people, but I still care what they think of me? What does this make me?”
Pathetic. I know.
This is a list. It is probably the longest one settled in my head. It evolves constantly. Not that it really changes but more things get added. I am still contemplating on whether this is good, bad, unimportant or major. However, I cannot ignore it. Maybe by putting it out there it will shrink. OK, who am I kidding?
My irks, quirks, pet peeves, pains in the tush, and displeasures list (Had to use the synonym generator and what a pleasure! Thank goodness I spared you words such as aggros, botherations, petulances, stews or even chagrins):
- content half-idiots who think they got it all figured out.
- spam mail, especially the actual paper mail in my mailbox. Imagine the waste!
- weak coffee.
- “Oh, where is this accent from? Bulgaria? Oh, how nice! So how come you picked Vegas?” THIS conversation. With the bank clerk.
- reality shows. Do we really need to escape our own reality that much?
- the last night game conversation. Was it REALLY that good?
- don’t get me started with the weather conversation…I know it does fall under the umbrella of the “your kids’ school soccer team”, “what you had for dinner”, “how tired you are”,”it’s allergies”, and the very pop one “the recession”.
- unwanted advises on anything, but man, the ones on how to raise my son are the absolute prizewinners.
- hairy armpits. Hey, don’t throw the what-if-they-are-2-inches-away-from-you,-on-a-hot-summer-day,-and-ON-Brad-Pitt gig on me now. I am going to have to throw away all my beliefs.
- super hyper religious preaching dudes.
- super hyper preaching dudes.
- Vegas-cocktail-waitress slang. It’s a basic skills language, including mainly: cars, bigger cars, nails, houses, backyards, pools, tanning, cheap bastards, boobs, boobs, bOObs. Well, that is all actually. Been there, done that. Phew.
- slow people and things.
- McDonald’s everything.
- tampons. I am VERY old-school.
- being late. other people being late.
- the sock-with-sandals man. It’s not just the socks, or just the sandals, nor the brilliant combo. It is the particular breed that goes with it. Then again, Brad Pitt certainly goes with anything.
OK, I will totally have to compensate with a happy list soon. ‘Cos complainers are definitely part of the above one.
Fancy title, Alex. I know.
I have realized that I find myself struggling when I try to express something simple. It is quite ironic, since things are what they are, right? But for me it seems like it is easier to go about something instead of giving it its purest and simplest name. This is why I prefer to use the actual iconic language of established concepts. Here I go again..
Amor fati or this-is-the-way-things-are-meant-to-be is Neitzche’s love for one’s faith. I have always struggled with my own fate, until the moment I decided to just accept it and to love it, to squeeze it and embrace it fully. It is a strange, dark, and at the same time quite simple process. It is an actual participation in my own creation. It is a choice that anyone can make. There is such a sense of joy that comes from participation in your own destiny, no matter how slight it is. It does involve, of course a bitter realization of your own limitations, but still so worth it. Just a recommendation, that is…