maminka

You are my favorite grandma! The last words I told her…

…this side of my family is now forever gone…it almost feels like I lost half of my roots…in the last three years, my grandfather, then my dad, and now her, barely six months after the loss of her son…

death is a big part of me now

Advertisements

12 August 2010

Today was a tough, heartbreaking, lonely, difficult, distressing, bleak memorable day. I broke a cardinal rule of mine and went to the cemetery to lay down my father’s ashes. I am struggling to remind myself that he will always be inside of us, and his aching body was the only one I said goodbye to.

Vegas, baby, I will miss you!

Spending the most of my 20’s in sin city has been a true roller-coaster. Maybe because it was my 20’s and many things do happen in life while at that age, maybe because it is the city that never sleeps…but by the bags under my eyes you can tell I did live here! Man, the things we went through! I can just spread my mind on a table and start throwing random memories around. Sweet, bitter, sour…all tastes.

I clearly remember the day we arrived. It was dark and we have been driving from LA after 2 days of flying around the globe to get there. Bushes after bushes of thorny desert vegetation and hours of delirious state of mind could not have averted us from being amazed at the grandeur of million bright lights, fusing colors and constant motion. This phase lasted a whole  oblivious month. We surrendered to this amazement that you get when discovering a whole new universe.

*this is our first photo of America, somewhere between LA and Vegas. Let’s see what the last one will be.

Work. Day and night. It totally gave us the independence that comes with having enough money so that you don’t have to worry about your fridge ever being empty. It gave us much more than this. We could travel and explore, and do things we enjoy. We went to New Zealand and we knew that we will be back there. We touched dolphins in Costa Rica. Well, they came because they know when a woman is carrying a baby. It is an old wife’s tale, but I so believed in it. The dolphins knew before I knew.

We devoured the world with eyes wide open. And then it goes…we skydived above lake Taupo, we ate oysters in Huntington beach, we had wine in wineries along California, conceived our son in total bliss, and we welcomed him in absolute amazement; we snorkeled in the turquoise waters of  Jamaica’s beaches; saw and felt the Grand Canyon; got an English bulldog and she slobbered our lives; lay on the beach in Mexico gazing at the pelicans for hours; had sushi at 5 in the morning; went to clubs and concerts; saw “The dark side of the moon” by Roger Waters and did not stop crying during the whole show;  we had the best coffee at New York’s famous Soho; we bowled in the middle of the night in Boston; enjoyed Bellagio’s transfixing fountains whatever chance we had; dined in the most exquisite world renowned restaurants; owned our first home that we adore; slept on an island in Fiji with no electricity, water, and with the door open; had soup in a bread bowl on the pier in San Francisco; saw Sami take his first steps; visited museums, galleries, shops, but mostly restaurants; experienced all kind of exotic cuisines; traded our TV for a fireplace (a great choice); had a couple’s massage in China town, we even had our own garage sale…

We missed Bulgaria tremendously. We cried, we laughed, we mourned. We studied, worked, changed a million diapers, faced the biggest challenge of becoming parents, namely being responsible for another human being. We opened up, we evolved, we regressed. Got sick and then healed. We experienced a hell of a lot and then we got bored. We got anxious, itchy. Ready to move on.

I am so grateful for my life. I am counting my blessings.

p.s. What happens in Vegas, stays in you, for good and for worse. Mostly for good!

another lost piece

Maybe it’s that I have been quite down lately and the emotions around the house are below zero, I caught myself really missing that one. She is such a big part of my heart. I  miss you, Buddah, but I know you are having the best time being a California girl! Enjoy it, baby!

healing

Healing the mind through the body…

These past days Stoyan has been trying to comfort me through my very favorite things and activities. This thought alone makes me feel quite warm inside. It helps to acknowledge the circumstances on a larger scale.

A massage, followed by a delicious lunch in my very favorite “Go Raw Cafe” minutes away from home have been great and replenishing and made me realize again and again the preciousness of my little family.I am so grateful.

glad

Moving slowly through the grief, I have moments of sudden light when I realize things that I am utterly glad about. Back in December when I was thorn apart between leaving my little baby and going home to my family in their toughest time, I chose to spend 10 unforgettable days with my father. Although the pain of the moment is incredible, I knew back then that  when I waived him goodbye from the bus in that snowy morning, it was for the last time. We both knew it. I could read it in his eyes and he must have read through mine. I don’t think  I would be nearly as put together right now, not having done this. Way before all the chemo, all the pills, agony, desperation, and worst of all the moments of hope.

This is the place where we were while my father took his last breaths.

I am so glad for this fact since it was the woods that he enjoyed so much, and we had the rare occasion of leaving Vegas for the day and spend it in the mountains. Although I found out hours later, I knew he was there with us.

metta

Dad, I miss your hands! I cannot believe that you will not meet me at the airport in a few days. I am flooded by memories and nostalgia. In Buddhism it is believed that right after death the spirit is preparing for its rebirth and it takes between 2 days to 47 days before it does. It is important for the loved ones to have a very open positive and heartfelt attitude towards the deceased so that his soul finds peace and a great new form.

Stoyan and I have been trying to remember our happy times with him, and I have been telling him stories of my childhood that I had long forgotten. With a smile.

I am sending you my deepest love.

I am sending you Metta.

today’s mantra

Bad news from home again. I have written and placed this Buddhist  saying so that it’s in sight at all times:

“In almost every bad situation, there is the possibility of transformation by which the undesirable may be changed into the desirable”

I am sending you my love, dad…