Meanwhile, somewhere in an alternative universe that I have the hardest time conceiving, Sami is thriving. I am so jealous even thinking about other hands picking him up form his crib in the morning when his cuteness factor is simply out of the charts, someone else feeding him breakfast, throwing a ball at his direction and following his gaze…and most of all, when he is freshly bathed I miss his innocent hug and his whole body relaxed on top of me right before I tuck him in. He usually says “Tao Tao, mama” and I leave the quiet room, already missing him.
Well, I cannot even express my anxious counting of the days and minutes before I will get to do this again, although just for a very short week.
I am sometime flooded by feelings of profound guilt. I guess my whole existence is measured in contrasts and extremes. It’s been quite stressful and I see my mind struggling in its weird ways to provide some continuity and some piece for me. This dramatic shift of my all my roles, from my absolutely predictable 24-7 stay-at-home-totally-devoted-to-Sami life to one, without him for a whole month, all the time, all day and all night! No baby-food, onesies, stuffed animals, naps, schedules, bibs, rattles, and diapers whatsoever. Well, one thing is the same. The tears. I clearly remember those from my hardest days right after the delivery. And I even better remember his endless bouts of screaming that are for ever and ever engraved in my brain. Thinking back, I just wish I had someone that I trust that I could leave him with for 5 minutes per week. That’s all I needed. A clear moment in all the chaos that a baby brings in one’s life.
Don’t be surprised by this tirade. It will be one of many to follow. Not only that I am digging deep into all my past issues trying to somehow resolve them, I am starting my career orientation towards the understanding and treatment of Postpartum Depression in new mothers. Needless to say the situation is fucked up. So far with the polite professional jargon, right?
Well, all I am trying to say is that I really really hope to find some answers for all of us out there, confused and amazed at this out-of-this-world experience that motherhood is.